Wondering about my life choices at this moment.

Studying is tough and somehow, I feel the need to hold an income.
My parents questioned if it was because of deficiency in money. I denied, but I am sure they know.
This job. It's killing me. The level of toxicity.

Then comes the issues that I am never able to handle well in life. My head tells me it's wrong, but my heart tells me to let it go. It's hard. Knowing that your partner is contacting someone he used to love, someone that made him leave you. Still there. With that much possibility that history will recur.
Jealousy really kills. Thus, the lack of love in me tries to keep it away, but it is tough. Am I doing the right thing. Constantly manipulated by others. To think that he is in wrong, to think that I am in wrong. I lost my value and worth in life. Thought I found it, but love kills. Everything.
What do I think? I would kill myself for him. My affection remains at high peak, while his is dying. Reason being we are more than just a couple. Aren't we still lovers?

Dull-witted me. Fooled by love. Never once had I known my value in love. Never been chased, never been pampered. Ain't all these materialistic I asked myself. But that's how guy show his love, they all say.

Honeymoon phase. It is said a normal phase last about 6 months to a year. Mine? Never more than 6 months. Eros. A false sense of beauty and perfection. Disagreed, or maybe just in denial. He is perfect, despite much flaws that everyone has, flaws that can be disregarded in the long run. Am I? I doubt. Can I change? Can U change? Are we suppose to change? Perhaps it was not us that we love but that fake impression, that fake ideals that we created online that we fell for. Me? I fell for the fake. And deeper for the real. Believing that this is it. Real love is loving someone for who they are, inside out. Loving someone wholesomely and believing that they are the best and they deserve nothing less.

I am falling. Falling deeper, falling apart, falling hard. Is it all worth it? Yes and I will do it all over again if i were to turn back time, but with more love and understanding. Will you love me more then?
OLDER | NEWER